I AM still alive...

Thanks for bearing with me, guys.  On the airplane back to Amsterdam last week I had this whole bright and cheery post planned in my head: what an AWESOME holiday I had had, how much delicious time I got to spend with Anuj, the many coffee dates I had with my mom and my sisters, all the really cool wedding decisions that Anuj and I managed to take...   I was feeling so positive! satiated! longing for Amsterdam!

Because I DID miss Amsterdam while I was in NYC.  My "home" radar is slowly switching over to the eastern part of the Atlantic.  I did love smelling my old upper west side apartment again, and I relished my quality couch time with Anuj, and at the same time I managed to start missing my shower (!) at MY apartment in Amsterdam, and more importantly my bicycle.  Even the subway has gotten too slow to match my speedy wheels.  So I experienced a happy mix - and since I felt that I had really gotten a great big gulp of spending time with my future husband I felt just FINE stepping on the airplane back to Amsterdam, back home. 

And then I CRASHED.  Ok, not the airplane, stupids, but me.  Emotionally.  I think that in all my cheerfulness I was completely unprepared for the crap-we-are-apart-again feeling.  This Christmas was like LIVING with Anuj again, not just visiting him, and it was long enough that I kind of forgot again what it was like to live apart.  Until about 24 hours after I landed in Amsterdam and I realized that I hated crawling into bed alone, that international phone connections can be cold and static-y, and that my apartment was a mess and slowly my emotional strength started falling apart.   It's been kind of a downhill spiral since then that I am still not completely out of.   

I've just been feeling really, really down.  Compounded with the whole missing-Anuj thing is that I am SO behind at work that it stresses me out to no end... this week I can't seem to pull my life together.  I try little things - I scrubbed my apartment so hard its shining like a new penny, and I finally got unpacked.  I tried planning my meals for the week, or figuring out times to go to the gym.  I know none of these have to do with Anuj or work, but if you just get a LITTLE bit of control over some aspect of life, you know? 

I have to say though; I don't have too many friends in Amsterdam, but the ones I do have are awesome.  Saron called me within minutes of hearing of my mild depression, and immediately invited me out.  I also finally met the fabulous Kim this weekend.  My friend Hannah (sans blog) cheered my up on Thursday as well.  So it's not that I'm alone, it's just that I am really down.

I had given myself until this past Friday to feel bummed and then I would force myself to snap out of it.  I thought i was successful (what with the housecleaning, the hanging out with friends, and the working hard the past couple of days thing) but then when my mom called me this evening and we started to chat and I was overwhelmed all over again.

What's wrong with me?  I am an OPTIMISTIC person.  People who know me describe me as a happy, cheerful person.  But this week I've felt and been horrible - to myself and to other people.  I've missed my deadline for "getting over it".  Now what do I do?  Set another deadline?  Post all my troubles on the internet? 

Ironically and pathetically, as I was pondering the contents of this post on my bike commute this morning, some idiot didn't look both ways crossing the bicycle path, so despite my furious bell-ringing at him he crossed, got in my way too late for me to stop, and he sent me and my bicycle FLYING across the pavement.  I landed with a loud "OOOEFFFF!" sound.  Somehow my coat cushioned my fall, but I still wanted to cry.  What a miserable start.  So when is the miserable "end" so I can just get out of this funk already?

Comments

[Saron]

I am so glad to see you writing again, I take it as a sign of progress. I hope this week gets better for you. If you need to talk over some tea, I am only a bike ride away.

[Lauren]

Well, I'm glad to hear from you again! Sorry that you're not so happy right now though. I know what you mean about almost forgetting that you didn't live together anymore. It's hard, but your wedding day will be that much sweeter, dontcha think? Where are you going to be living when you marry?

Also, take it easy on yourself. So you missed a self-imposed deadline, so what? Let yourself feel, it's okay to be bummed!

[greensunflower]

I a suffering from PHD (post holiday depression) too. The Holidays are just so busy and full of love and then it all disappears in Jan. I hope both of us snap out of it soon.

[Nancy]

I think there's a lot of winter blues happening right now. Be gentle with yourself, and remember to take one day at a time. This too shall pass. :-)

[Isabel]

I'm glad you are back online, but was so bummed to read that you aren't feeling so hot lately. I hope that things can get better for you.

Anything I can do to help??

[janet]

I am so sorry you feel sad! I think that you should indulge yourself in any way you can this week, whether that is going to the gym more, getting a pedicure, eating at your favorite restaurant, eating ice cream...you know, stuff like that. And try to just feel a little better each day. Maybe not 100% better all at once, but baby steps?

and keep blogging! :)

[Lisa]

Hello. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bummed. I know how that is. I hope you start feeling better soon. Sounds like once the workload lightens and you get closer to a visit with the fiance you'll be feeling alot better. And I hope those things are soon.

Can I link you? That way I can "visit" more often?

[Pomme Granite]

*Hope* you're feeling better by now.

If not, listening to "raindrops keep falling on my head" put a big smile on my face today, and I thought maybe it'll do the trick for you too.

Sample bits:

"But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me"

hope happiness steps up to greet you soon!

[Ali G]

oh, i am totally suffering from that PHD thing too! feeling totally out of control in work, life, etc... so of course i cleaned (apt very messy!)... but i'm sure it will get better soon. keep on truckin'!