for serious? no, for JOKE

TO ALL MY BALTIMORE READERS! Or... ermm... my one... my one Maryland reader...?

A PostSecret event will be held at the American Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore!  Remember PostSecret?  I've linked to it in the past somewhere below right.  Apparently "100 never before seen PostSecrets will be on display."  And the event is happening on Valentine's Day!   You can even hand deliver your own personal postcard secret.  I wish I could go!

Plus!  Going to this event would be a perfect Valentine's Day date.  One of the first dates Anuj took me on was at this very museum.  I also took him out for dinner at the beautiful Joy America Cafe (top floor of the museum) for his birthday that first year.  AVAM is cool because it shows unconventional "amateur" (untrained) art.  You won't find any Van Gogh's or Rembrandt's here - what you will find is art made by WWII or Vietnam War veterans, art expressing anxiety and fear.  You'll find crafty projects by traumatized children, or elaborate plans for extraterrestrial exploration by mentally ill persons.  Fascinating and sometimes disturbing things.

Architecturally, this place is amazing as well.  It's beautifully situated right by the water in the Inner Harbor.  I could go on and on - can you tell I love this place? 

I think within an hour of getting engaged (in Baltimore) Anuj and I had already decided that we would marry in Baltimore, and preferably at the American Visionary Art Museum.  We love this place as a museum and for our emotional attachment to it as well. 

Turns out we are actually not getting married at AVAM, or even having our reception there.  It ended up just not being practical - the two spaces available just didn't serve our needs.  The Sculpture Barn was beautiful but just too small for our Bhangra Bash, and the Loft was definitely beautiful and très New York, but with no outdoor space I feared it would be stifling.  Plus, the party couldn't go a minute past midnight if we held it there.

So instead we are getting married at the equally cool Baltimore Museum of Industry.  We never went on a date there, but the caterer is representative of yet another date that Anuj and I went on (Sascha's) so the emotional circle is complete.  Can you tell that Anuj took me on loads and loads of dates?  He's fantastic like that...

Updates! And Um, a Story About My Gym You Don't Have to Read if You Don't Want To.

I'm working hard, and don't per se have the time to write a full on amusing blog post, but I do have some updates I want to share with you all, all of them good!

1. Four months from today Anuj and I are getting married.  Holy cow!  Everyone keeps saying "It will go fast, it will go fast" and I keep silently completely disagreeing... until last night I realized that today we are T minus four months and counting.  Hey, I guess that did go kind of fast!  Emphasis on kind of.  I mean, its still four months.  It is getting exciting though - lots of people have booked their hotel reservations already, and most of the planning stress is behind us.  I. Can't. Wait!!!
2. We received an offer on our apartment!  And we've only been on the market for a WEEK.  Truly, very exciting.  The offer was only a little under our asking price (which we set high), so we'll be counteroffering today and we'll see what happens.  Let's see if we can get these people to close!  I was so excited last night when Anuj told me - I said that if he were here right now we'd be popping open a bottle of champagne to celebrate.  I guess that bottle will have to wait another two weeks until he's here for a visit.
3. My sisters kicked butt against Ireland on Wednesday!  Hedwig and Kir were the first pair of sisters to play together for US Rugby in an international match.  Isn't that awesome?  I wish I could link to that particular article, but you'll have to scroll down on the webpage to see the article I am talking about: "US Meets Ireland Tonight".  I don't know, maybe I am feeling a little bit emotional lately, but that picture got me all teary and all of a sudden I had a big gob in my throat...
4. One more rugby link you just can't miss.  These pictures of the match on Wednesday are FIERCE.  Scroll down to the second picture - can you believe the height those gals get in the lineout?!?
5. Sorry, I can't stop talking about rugby.  If you look at the game statistics it looks like Kirsten actually scored! In an international match!  So proud of my sistah!

Ok, and lastly, I'll leave you with a non-rugby, non-numerically listed story that amused (?) me this morning.

My gym in Amsterdam is pretty decent.  I shopped around for different places before joining up, and though they are not quite the social scenes the New York ones can be, I'm happy with where I am.  There is plenty of weight lifting equipment, a solid amount of cardio, and an array of spinning and fitness classes.  There aren't actually that many cardio machines, but since the place is fairly empty most of the time I haven't had to stand in line for a treadmill more than once or twice. 

The locker rooms are decent, but this is where it gets interesting.  We're not really all that seperate from the men's locker room.  Since its just a solid row of lockers that seperates the women from the men, you can hear everything they say on the other side of the not-all-the-way-up-to-the-ceiling-locker-wall.  I was hoping to catch some deliciously juicy man-gossip by listening in to what men actually talk about in the locker room - I was hoping to hear all the dirt!  But unfortunately this sharing-of-space just has the overall effect of silencing everyone's potential locker room chitchat.  The men and the women.  I guess no one really wants to say anything they know the other side can hear. 

What is slightly more offputting however, is the arrangments of our shower stalls.  First of all, its a group shower.  I don't mind this too much - I always hated how the plastic curtain on the individual shower stalls blows up against my naked butt as soon as I turned the shower on. (Do you people know what I am talking about?!  Nothing worse than wet plastic of which you question the cleanliness against your naked skin!)  Though the group shower eliminates your privacy, at least there is no icky plastic curtain, and it also feels somehow more clean overall. 

And it's not just that it's a group shower.  Because as I've just stated, that doesn't bother me all too much.  It is that it is encased by GLASS.  Ok, yes, it is very thick, very wavy glass that you can really only vaguely see silhouettes through.  But... the men's shower is on the other side!!  This means that as I am sudsing up after my workout I can vaguely see men just a foot away from me doing the exact same thing.   Which means... that they can see me.  Bleeeaahhhh.   This wouldn't even be so horrible (I mean, identifying who the person is on the other side is impossible fortunately) but remember how I told you a few paragraphs ago that you can hear everything that the men are saying in their locker room? Well, same for the showers.  I can HEAR them go through their whole hygene routine.  EEEWWWWW. 

I had no idea men were so gross in the shower!  Me?  I take a quiet shower - maybe at home I will let out a soft sigh of contentment from getting clean but that is IT.  These men?  At my gym?  They are HUFFING and PUFFING in the shower.  They are SNORTING their noses and making FARTY sounds with their armpits.  They STOMP their feet and SNAP their towels.  They are LOUD and DISGUSTING.  It's like its not enough for them to clean their skin and hair - they are just getting it all out.  Ewwww!!!

Actually, now that I have written that, I'm sorry you had to read that.  But... I just had to share.  Every morning at the gym I am a bit dumbfounded at these men... they sound like hippos mudbathing in the Okavango Delta.

Silly Little Desires

Hmm... I kind of want one of these!  I think this cherry one is especially cute. 

Please, please PLEASE MAKE THE HONKING STOP.

There is construction happening about 500 meters down the street from where I work.  About twice a day, a large delivery truck needs to slowly negotiate its way around the gates and obstacles.  I find it completely understandable that this is not going to be speedy.   But apparently I am the ONLY ONE who understands this.   Because a queue of cars will line up behind the truck and start laying on the horns like their lives depended on it.   My family says I am famous for exaggeration, but the horns have been echoing up and down my street LOUDLY for the past 7-8 minutes.  One guys trick is to lay on it constantly for a minute at a time, each and every time.  Please, please PLEASE STOP HONKING.  My ears are ringing with this cacophonous sound.  Don’t they know that PEOPLE WORK HERE and that their off-tune opera is not HELPING the truck get around the bend faster?  Do you think this truck LIKES stressing all you people out?

Very, very aggravating.  If it doesn’t stop in the next five minutes I am going down there and kicking every car that keeps making this racket.  I understand they are frustrated, but they are not half as frustrated as me!!

Scotland was gorgeous

I’ll definitely be paying a return visit.  One thing I will NOT be doing over, however, is renting a car there.  If I have to see one more “roundabout” on the “motorway” my eyes might fall out of my head.  We got lost.  And I mean, hugely and spectacularly lost.  And completely behind schedule.  If I heard directions ending with “Ya c’yan miss it” in a Scottish accent one more time I was going to scream.  Because believe me, we missed it.  Whatever it was we weren't supposed to miss, we did.  Every time.  It took us over an hour to figure out where we were on the map, and then we strenuously watched the road and every turn we made for another two hours before we finally reached our destination: the rugby pitch in Galashiels. 

I was so incredibly stressed: I thought we were going to miss the game entirely, but when we arrived we saw the game had just started.  By some miracle, kickoff was two hours later than I expected. 

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see either of my sisters play as they weren’t in the lineup, but the US Eagles did kick Scotland’s butt and we had lots of fun watching the game.  It was the first rugby game my travel companions had ever seen, and they were loudly enthusiastic afterwards.  And in other good news, BOTH my sisters are STARTING in the game against Ireland tomorrow.  Hedwig will be on the field with Kirsten as Kirsten earns her first international cap.

We coined a new phrase this weekend as well:  “eyeflap”.  Let me explain.  US teammate Phaidra   went down on a tackle, and didn’t get up for a few minutes.  Rugby is pretty rough, so I wasn’t too surprised to see Phaidra stumble off the pitch moments later, supported by the team doctor.  What I was horrified to find out later was that Phaidra had managed to tear the lid off of her eye by about a quarter of an inch, including ripping up her tearduct.  Now tell me you didn’t just cringe reading that.  See?  Eyeflap.

And lastly, as I stated before, I’ll definitely be paying a return visit to Edinburgh, Scotland.  This city is not only beautiful and historic, but has quite a night life scene!  I didn’t anticipate seeing such a variety of bars, pubs, and clubs.  I certainly didn’t anticipate my long woolen coat, woolen hat, scarf, and mittens, and warm boots would be so out of place on this chilly evening: every single gal we passed had on a miniskirt, tanktop, and glittery heels (glittery!  I've never even seen shoes like that!).  Even New Yorkers don’t get this dressed up for a Saturday night!  First of all, its FREEZING so please put some clothes on.  And second, who knew Edinburgh was such a scene?

Sometimes Its Hard To Think Of A Title

I feel better everyone. Thank you! I even slept well last night. What a relief! And no more wedding nightmares.

Did I even describe the last one to you all? I suppose it’s a typical anxiety dream, but it really floored me. I dreamed that somehow I got blood all over the front of my white dress – there was a huge red streak running from my chin to my waist. It reminded me of the time my sister Kirsten was 10 and she fell off her bike; her chin bled rivers that day and completely freaked the entirely family out. So there I was, with my bloody wedding dress, and I had to walk down the aisle… everyone staring at me. On top of all that I dreamed that our guests thought the party was so lame that they started leaving at 10 pm (when in real life Anuj and I have arranged for the party to go until 2 am – hoping people will want to party until they drop). We couldn’t get anyone to dance, drink, or even smile. I also somehow spent the whole wedding reception in the bathroom, causing me to miss everything.

Stupid dreams, but they sure had a grip on me. Strange, because I am really not all that stressed out about the wedding. I think in my everything-else anxiety, weddings are the easiest thing to have nightmares about.

In other news, we’ve officially put our apartment in NYC on the market! This is actually happening… I can’t believe it. (I’d post the real estate link here, but that would be a little TOO inviting to potential internet stalkers.) I am really sad to let that place go, I’ve really loved living there. But Anuj and I are on to new adventures!

The Internet is Great!

In the past 24 hours I have received so many sweet and encouraging and concerned emails, phonecalls, IMs and Skype messages; all because of my pathetic little cry for help yesterday.  This has resulted in me feeling two things:

1. I have amazing friends and people who care and are looking out for me.  It really lifted some of the BLAH I have been feeling.

2. I feel selfish and a little egocentric that I spent so much time the past two days talking about how sad I have been feeling.  I don't usually talk about myself all that much, and the past two days I have been all "pay attention to meeee".  It's not a side of myself I really love, but I am touched that there are people out there who want to listen to me when I get like that.

I finally had my first shot of adrenaline last night, my first feeling of optimism since early January - it was nice to feel a little upbeat again.   After some initial planning confusion, I booked some cheap tickets to Scotland for this weekend with my aunt and uncle.  We are going to watch my sisters Hedwig and Kirsten play for the US Women's Eagles National Rugby Team against Scotland on Saturday.  We'll be driving up from Glasgow, and we're spending the night in Edinburgh, which I hear is just a fantastic city.  I got really excited about the whole thing - it's Kirsten's first time playing for the national team and I'm just really proud of both of them. I'm excited to see Edinburgh and the Scottish countryside! I am also excited that my aunt and uncle (Kirsten's godfather) want to come as well - I never really pegged them as the type to make such last minute plans, but there you go.  Family can always pleasantly surprise you. 

So I biked home yesterday feeling better, and determined to do something about the insomnia I've been suffering from for about two weeks (since I've been feeling like this).  I changed into my most comfy fleece pants, had a chat with Anuj on the phone, made myself hot chocolate (with hot milk) and watched some calm television... I started feeling drowsy and my head was starting to droop on the couch... ("Yessss!!!" I thought, "finally feeling sleepy!!")   So I walk to my bedroom, crawl into bed, and turn out the light.  I didn't even wash my face for fear of the water waking me up some.

Aaaaand three hours later I was still awake, blinking in the darkness.  This is really terrible.  How do people who suffer from chronic insomnia actually deal?  So I finally flipped on the light and finished the Anita Shreve book.  Then flipped out the light and tried to sleep some more.  Then found my iPod to listen to some ballad-type music, hoping it would be soothing... and I ended up singing out loud along with Alanis Morissette (I bet my upstairs neighbors loved that).    I think I finally fell asleep about an hour before my alarm clock went off, but I don't know exactly since after a certain point I refused to continue looking at the clock.

This is extremely frustrating!  And the lack of sleep is not helping me feel better.  What do I do?

I AM still alive...

Thanks for bearing with me, guys.  On the airplane back to Amsterdam last week I had this whole bright and cheery post planned in my head: what an AWESOME holiday I had had, how much delicious time I got to spend with Anuj, the many coffee dates I had with my mom and my sisters, all the really cool wedding decisions that Anuj and I managed to take...   I was feeling so positive! satiated! longing for Amsterdam!

Because I DID miss Amsterdam while I was in NYC.  My "home" radar is slowly switching over to the eastern part of the Atlantic.  I did love smelling my old upper west side apartment again, and I relished my quality couch time with Anuj, and at the same time I managed to start missing my shower (!) at MY apartment in Amsterdam, and more importantly my bicycle.  Even the subway has gotten too slow to match my speedy wheels.  So I experienced a happy mix - and since I felt that I had really gotten a great big gulp of spending time with my future husband I felt just FINE stepping on the airplane back to Amsterdam, back home. 

And then I CRASHED.  Ok, not the airplane, stupids, but me.  Emotionally.  I think that in all my cheerfulness I was completely unprepared for the crap-we-are-apart-again feeling.  This Christmas was like LIVING with Anuj again, not just visiting him, and it was long enough that I kind of forgot again what it was like to live apart.  Until about 24 hours after I landed in Amsterdam and I realized that I hated crawling into bed alone, that international phone connections can be cold and static-y, and that my apartment was a mess and slowly my emotional strength started falling apart.   It's been kind of a downhill spiral since then that I am still not completely out of.   

I've just been feeling really, really down.  Compounded with the whole missing-Anuj thing is that I am SO behind at work that it stresses me out to no end... this week I can't seem to pull my life together.  I try little things - I scrubbed my apartment so hard its shining like a new penny, and I finally got unpacked.  I tried planning my meals for the week, or figuring out times to go to the gym.  I know none of these have to do with Anuj or work, but if you just get a LITTLE bit of control over some aspect of life, you know? 

I have to say though; I don't have too many friends in Amsterdam, but the ones I do have are awesome.  Saron called me within minutes of hearing of my mild depression, and immediately invited me out.  I also finally met the fabulous Kim this weekend.  My friend Hannah (sans blog) cheered my up on Thursday as well.  So it's not that I'm alone, it's just that I am really down.

I had given myself until this past Friday to feel bummed and then I would force myself to snap out of it.  I thought i was successful (what with the housecleaning, the hanging out with friends, and the working hard the past couple of days thing) but then when my mom called me this evening and we started to chat and I was overwhelmed all over again.

What's wrong with me?  I am an OPTIMISTIC person.  People who know me describe me as a happy, cheerful person.  But this week I've felt and been horrible - to myself and to other people.  I've missed my deadline for "getting over it".  Now what do I do?  Set another deadline?  Post all my troubles on the internet? 

Ironically and pathetically, as I was pondering the contents of this post on my bike commute this morning, some idiot didn't look both ways crossing the bicycle path, so despite my furious bell-ringing at him he crossed, got in my way too late for me to stop, and he sent me and my bicycle FLYING across the pavement.  I landed with a loud "OOOEFFFF!" sound.  Somehow my coat cushioned my fall, but I still wanted to cry.  What a miserable start.  So when is the miserable "end" so I can just get out of this funk already?

P.S. It's my birthday today

I keep forgetting... but I am actually turning 26 years old today!   It's going to be a big year I think.  Marriage and Career are high on the priority list.  But for just today, high on the priority list are the fancy dinner and great bottle of wine Anuj has planned for me this evening.

Sorry about my absence...

I am still in NYC... on a blogging hiatus for another week I suppose... I hope I don't lose all my readers in the meantime.  I probably will.  And I probably deserve it.  I'll sit here and pout about it while you all run off to go read a blog that actually updates on a daily basis.  Just give me another week ok?  I am blissfully spending time with Anuj, friends, and family, and just not really blogging. 

Please come back...